Women are missing the proverbial boat with me. Sure I’m tall, handsome, cuddly and ‘dog-fidante extraordinaire,’ but there’s so much more. See, I do a lot of woman watching. I have unique perspective as a surgically confirmed bachelor…my observations are not colored by bias toward any one female – canine or human. Having been snipped out of the game at an early age, I fancy myself qualified to provide neutral insight and advice.

I notice that human females spend a lot of time obsessing over men. Some talk in endless circles about if and when men will call, why men haven’t called within a certain time frame, what men are doing in the times between calls and dates, whether or not they will ever call and whether or not they themselves should call the men. Others who seem to be past the “call stall” spend their time questioning, wondering, complaining about and trying to figure out how to change the men who did eventually call. It’s as confusing as it is exhausting. The tendency for human women to mentally and verbally tail chase is quite hilarious when you consider that human men chase tail in the literal sense. So why do they have such a disconnect?

I have three females in my life who span the gamut in the way they deal with men. First there’s Gigi. She’s an accomplished, fiery redhead with verve and attitude. I always enjoy her company – in small doses. She has to be in control: Toys, treats, where and how we play…it’s her way or the highway – which might be fine if she weren’t frigid. She clearly wants a lap dog of a guy. I frankly don’t even know any Yorkies willing to put up with that much attitude and no action. Then there’s Penny. Penny is cute, pampered and all she wants to do is deflower any body part that she can wrap her paws around any time and any way. Penny is as uninhibited as she is aggressive. But after the urge, her big brown eyes and the rest of her act is as vacant and vapid as the squeaky giraffe I shredded and relieved of most of its stuffing last Thursday. And then there’s Emma….

Emma is a buxom blonde bundle of intrigue. She’s famous for being able to open all manner of food-storing cabinets and drawers and consuming everything from packaged carbs to entire bags of onions. She’s saucy and bossy, but unlike Gigi the control freak, she comes in on the offense for just the right amount of time and then trots off in what amounts to quite a tease. She keeps me guessing by alternating between rough and tumble, kitchen larcenist and brassy babe. Simply put, Emma’s got game…she loves it when I’m willing to play, but her show is on the road whether I’m on board or not.

My female canine acquaintances may or may not care what this sage observer has to say about their modus operandi with the opposite sex. Frankly, they’re all pretty happy with their lives and at this stage might not want to have to split treats, bed space or family attention with a male. But human women spend so much time and energy dissecting the actions and reactions of men. We guys are really pretty basic. When we want it, we go after it and the process is never as complicated as women speculate when they’re together gnawing on a single relationship aspect for hours like I do on a super-sized bone from my favorite butcher shop. I wish the ladies would relax, let go and skip the mental tail chasing in favor of a nap in the sunny spot under the window. They just might be awakened by a ringing phone with a guy on the other end sniffing around to find out if they’ve got plans for Saturday night.

~Henry
(with the help of Kelly Guest’s opposable thumbs)

©2009 Kelly Guest